So, these last few weeks of the year always have me thinking about what kind of a year was this? Was there personal growth, major changes, difficulties, goals met and unmet, am I still on the right path for my life?
Starting with my wonderful family I’d have to say that many great things happened. My husband has a job teaching now, after a very long search for employment. He has also answered the call to become a deacon, which is very exciting for both of us. Our son moved out, first living in New York and now back here. He has a job and is doing well. Our daughter fulfilled her dream of studying in Australia for a semester and now is back at UF. I finished my Master’s degree in Pastoral Administration, though I’m not sure when my degree will be conferred.
On the spiritual side of things, my husband and I made a Cursillo weekend, which was a great way for me to be reminded of the basics of our faith. It is also strengthened my desire for community, which it supplies.
A few difficulties arose, my dad had a quadruple by-pass in the summer but is doing very well now. He and mom will be down here in two weeks. Our dear friend had a cancer recurrence, but she completed her last treatment and her prognosis is good. Two of my co-workers lost their dad. Our youth minister is still struggling with her eyesight but she is hopeful her vision will be restored and she can return to work.
These are the obvious things that all can see. But what about the deeper, hidden changes and vents that have taken place. How have I drawn closer to God, is there less sinfulness or at least more awareness of it?
These last few weeks, when my plan was to really celebrate Advent, I failed, miserably. I could see myself becoming different, feel myself spiritually moving to another place. And so I deliberately stopped working on the spiritual side of my life. Sure, I had excuses, I lost my Magnificat and my devotional, I was too tired to go to daily Mass, but the really reason was this: I stopped because I didn’t want to change, even though I was becoming, internally/spiritually, a person I liked more than the old person. So, it came down to fear and laziness.
Fear that I would be different and people wouldn’t like it. Fear that the maintenance would be too hard. Fear that being who God wants be to be is not really possible for me. Which leads me to laziness since I know that if I stay in his word, attend Mass, pray before the Blessed Sacrament and go to confession I can who God wants. But is takes effort on my part and doing nothing is easier than doing something. Even if, in the end, I suffer because I do nothing, it’s still easier.
One definition of insanity, according to Einstein, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Based on that, I am insane. Now, please do not cart me off to a padded cell, though the quiet might be nice for a change. I keep stopping what is helpful, out of fear and laziness, but those are not the only reasons. The real reason is much bigger and a most insidious lie. I believe that I am not worthy to be who God is calling me to be.
The only way to change that is to ask God to take it away from me.
I would have to say that in 2009 the most important lesson I learned is that I know who I desire to be. In 2010 I must do it.