On Friday my husband had a doctor’s appointment and the doctor was very pleased with the lab results and other indicators that my husband’s health is improving. So much so that he is off most of his medications. All this good news should make me happy. Clearly we are doing the right things. So what’s my problem? We are doing the right things for my husband, but I am not doing the right things for myself! I need to follow the same plan as he does in regard to food and exercise; when I do I feel great. I don’t follow the plan because I let my feelings get in the way. Not good feelings, but the feelings that I know come from the devil poking my scabs, poking and picking at them until they start to bleed again. And when that happens I give up and turn to what makes me, momentarily, feel better. And then I feel worse.
I am one of those people who think that ripping the band-aid off fast is a good idea, that exposing wounds to light and fresh air will help you heal, and that lying to yourself is worse than lying to anyone else. Sadly, though, I don’t always live in that place. That was one goal I had for these 31 days, to go back to living in that place.
My doubts and negative thoughts are probably quite common: I’m not good, smart, nice, thin, funny, interesting enough to do xyz; no one cares what I think; I can’t make a difference; I’m to old to do something new; it’s easier to settle; why bother; I’m tired of trying; no one listens to me; I’m sure you get the idea.
These are all lies. Every single one of them. My husband said one of the nicest things to me in the midst of a weekend full of self-doubt. We went back to the question, “What would you do with your life if you knew you could not fail?” “I would lead retreats and train catechists” but then I said, “What if I suck at it?” He said, “When is the last time you sucked at anything?” Not very pretty language, but real and it was perfect. And TRUE!
Standing in that truth is what compels me to move forward. I believe I will succeed because this is part of God’s plan. I’m working very hard on not planning, but on following his lead. It’s not easy; every day letting go of “my plan” gets easier. My prayer is that it becomes natural to me. Of course, once I learn that lesson I’m sure there will be another one!